| Tuesday, November 9th, 2004 |
| 11:51 pm |
im gonna be a daddy!!!!
so i guess having a child was in my stars after all and i am really excited now. Emilie and i went and had an ultrasound on monday and they said i have a really healthy baby but they couldn't tell us the sex... but they said 60% chance its a girl. Anyways i guess were looking at feb. 24 . My God things are happening so fast. |
| Thursday, September 16th, 2004 |
| 12:11 am |
faded away
A four bedroom house and office made of planked boards and a glass celarium. The sense of style that it should have been some where near a lake in the mountains with smoke billowing out of the top. But now after the world has grown it found itself near a freeway waiting to be a parking lot. At one time the building shown strength, beauty and style now being cut into by the long arm of the tractor pushing it around like a frail old man waiting for his day to come. I watched as the pains of glass held on so long trying to keep from braking under pressure of the house twisting and folding on itself. Mixed emotions flowed through me seeing such a powerful thing...destruction. Then a sense of mercy flowing through me. Why would such a great thing be destroyed? It just happened to be in the wrong place. Over the next few days i saw rusted out trailers and dump trucks scavaging and hauling away the broken down pieces of what had been a home. I wandered over and found nothing left but foundation reminding me of what was there. I dont know whats really wrong... maybe there is a moment where the smallest things or the most random things can remind of us of our mortality. I saw an old man walking down the street the other night and he was walking slow and repeatedly looked over his shoulder. It instils sympathy in me for him and at the same time it makes me wonder if all i have at the end is walking down a road alone and insicure as the day i came into this world. What happened to the magic a i remeber as a child? What is it ever there? Did it exist? Or was i blinded and hidden from the truth. I have to much going through my head to figure out and put in words. Fuck it. Ill sleep it off. |
| Tuesday, September 7th, 2004 |
| 12:29 am |
So after pouring my thoughts and feelings out onto my livejournal it somehow lost my entry. I guess it wasn't meant to be read. What a blunder. |
| Tuesday, August 31st, 2004 |
| 12:34 am |
So after a long day at work and then trying to leave not being able to go home because somehow i lost my key to my motorcycle. And with everything thats happened to me lately i feel so stressed out. Now i feel that my life is so trivial and ive been grounded. I got home and noticed the neighbor i grew up with since 4th grade was home. He is on leave from baghdad and is in the infantry of the army. We started to talk and he was telling me about death on a daily basis. How a random moment in his week he killed 4 people and then the next day killed three more and watched a woman burn to death inside her car. He didn't seem like the guy i knew anymore... The things he has to deal with on a day to day basis is coming to grips with your own mortality. Then i reflect on myself and realise that my life is easy and its really not as bad as i would like to perceive. Its sounds wierd in a lot of ways but i feel guilty for not being there with him. So many carry the burden while i sit and drink beer and enjoy all the freedoms that have been laid out for me. i dont feel i have earned them.... |
| Tuesday, August 24th, 2004 |
| 8:08 am |
SHIT SHIT SHIT !!!!!
So i got a reckless driving ticket on saturday. i had to sell two of my guns to my brother for my $500 dollar retainer fee for my lawyer. everyone keep your fingers crossed, i have to beat this or i lose my job.... |
| Friday, August 20th, 2004 |
| 5:06 pm |
im going to race at pir tonight on my bike... fun stuff. Maybe ill break 11.6 tonight |
| 8:08 am |
So it has begun
I am now working and doing more side jobs lately and that great for the fact i dont have to worry aobut my bills as much anymore. But i feel like ive lost all time for myself. i dont feel like an individual anymore. i miss the care free days of life where i chose to do things when i wanted. I want to travel. Experience life. Is being rich really freedom or is it just a bigger cage? |
| Friday, July 9th, 2004 |
| 9:17 am |
sacto here i come
cannonball run to sacramento tonight. back tomorrow night. this is gonna be fun. |
| Saturday, July 3rd, 2004 |
| 2:59 am |
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| Friday, July 2nd, 2004 |
| 7:53 pm |
well i just fixed things i hope....last night. it felt good to see her again and talk. I now brace for the weekend. I love you all..... |
| Friday, June 25th, 2004 |
| 12:21 am |
lost destinies
I feel like i was lost to my calling.... My age has now defied me from ever becoming great. And now a dream will always be a dream. I have this feeling im not living up to my potential but... I have these excuses why and they are all totally valid unless you put the cinderella story into account. whatever. |
| Sunday, June 20th, 2004 |
| 11:35 pm |
In some lives there are situations that challenge the heart and burn a hole in the soul that heal but the mark stays. Those situations create who we are and what our personality becomes, be it strong, weak, bitter, or calas... Destiny is the time that takes place as you try to find out what you are to become. i know that is and arguable but thats how i see it. Will you be able to carry the burden while smiling? Will you be able to set things right? Numbness has set in and i don't know how i feel anymore. Seeing things through my eyes has felt hollow and irrelavant. Card board cut out are all i see. A smile is the only light shining. |
| Thursday, June 17th, 2004 |
| 1:09 pm |
Does anyone need a job?
Does anyone need a job? Can you pass a drug screen? Come sign up as a lot attendant at dick hannah kia. Two positions available. |
| 11:34 am |
Things are looking up at work and that makes me really happy.
The most frustrating thing i have for me is that i have to go to a wedding on my birthday which really sucks. Any who now i have to find someone to take my tickets for the cart and trans am race for saturday. what ever.
( huh huh huh ) |
| Tuesday, June 15th, 2004 |
| 4:29 pm |
frustration
It seems like no matter how hard i work there is an alternate force out there working on destroying my morale. I just cant seem to get on top and its starting to bother me. i really am losing ambition to work 8 to 5 everyday and spending money to do it to live a below average lifestyle where i cant even support myself... Someone get the economy jumpstarted already. |
| Thursday, June 10th, 2004 |
| 3:49 pm |
yeah matt is back
so my buddy matt just got back from china on tuesday and we got properly drunk and watched shrek2 on dvd and then troy. It was really nice to see him and i cant wait til he gets back from bellingham. So i guess im going to china in feb. to hang out with him for a couple weeks and see another culture. im already excited and cant wait to go. Work has been busy and i like it. My girl is the best. She treats me good. |
| Monday, June 7th, 2004 |
| 12:22 pm |
The lying disease
heart rate:34 Listening to death on the doorstep is hard. Watching someone who might outlive their child is hard. The world is cold and hard. |
| 8:35 am |
My head still hurts
So friday was nice and fun. but now that i think about it i dont remember what i did on friday night. if anyone can remember please jog my memory. Saturday was a blast but im still feeling reprocusions of this. 6 beers 1 AMF 1 Shot of vodka 2 Rum and cokes 2 Jager Bombs 2 Beer bongs and the one that made me puke.... brandi. that was a bad idea i thinks that was a bad idea to mix the brandi with the shit i already drank. You know when you get that feeling right after a bad shot. yeah it did that in my mouth. Sunday i layed around and watched movies and played video games. Now im sitting at work cause were slow. |
| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 |
| 3:20 pm |
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| Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 |
| 12:12 pm |
OH the designer world.
The world wears designer clothes, designer drugs, designer cars, designer homes, designer lifestyles. And if thats not enough some of the population has what we call designer deseases, the only country with this problem. Anorexia, bolemia, and others not known to me. The world is starving in other countries and yet there are some of us refusing to eat. It blows my mind and weakens my heart. Why does this happen? I could come up with many reasons to blame for this problem but will it do any good? The designer world is killing us slowly in little ways and we are losing our self worth. |
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cortimus's journal